Defending Myself

There are some things I need to say.

A couple of weeks ago I told my family and friends that I am taking a year off of school. I was met with some negative feedback, as was expected, but what astounds me is the amount of negativity I've been and am still receiving. I've heard various comments, such as "if you take a year off you'll never go back" or "it's your own fault for not getting a job this summer" or "you're going to forget everything you've learned."

I prepared myself to hear such comments when I first announced it. I knew my family and friends would not be overly excited at first, and I accepted that it was not what we all thought was going to happen, so it would be difficult to adjust. It was difficult for me to adjust, at first. But more on that in a minute.

The reason I'm writing this blog post is to put in writing my thoughts on the matter. Why I made the decision, and my response to the incredible amount of negativity I've been experiencing over the past couple of weeks.

When I graduated from Sheridan College this past May, the thought of not immediately going to a university was not on my mind at all. I had every intention of going to MSUB this fall and start working towards my Bachelor's degree, which was - and still is - my end goal in terms of education. I was on the university's site all the time, looking at courses and planning and daydreaming about going to a new school and all that kind of stuff. In June I visited the campus for the first time, met my advisor, and got my schedule set up. I was all good to go.

I did try to find a job for the summer. It's not like I was purposely wasting time every day. I applied to several places in town, was interviewed a couple of times. But ultimately, everyone I went to rejected me. I still don't know why, as I was perfectly qualified and capable to do the jobs I was applying for. Some turned me away even though they were desperate for help. The reasoning behind all of that doesn't matter, though. What matters is that I did NOT just sit here without a job all summer on purpose. I TRIED to find something. Nothing worked out, except for one place that hired me on the spot.

My trouble there was that I worked for two days, and then my car broke down in their parking lot. My mom had to come pick me up, and when my dad went to try and get the car just a few hours later, we discovered that my boss had had it towed away because it was "in the way" of some storage containers they had outside, when in fact my car was on the opposite end of the parking lot from them. I called my boss the next morning to tell him I now had no way to get to work (because I could not borrow my parents' van every day), and he let me go because I was now unreliable. They never paid me for the two days I worked, and frankly, I don't care.

I won't go into the details of what happened next, but basically, this was the first time I started having doubts about going to school this fall. Not because of what happened at my job - that was all just annoying. What happened was I thought about just going ahead on up to Billings to try and find work there (we have family friends who were willing to give me a room), but every time I seriously started planning to do so, I got this sick feeling and would abandon the idea completely. This happened off and on from that point until about mid-July, getting steadily worse and worse as the summer went on. Meanwhile my old roommate and I talked about the possibility of us finding an apartment together in Billings so she could work and I could go to school without having to pay an extra $7,000 a year for room and board at the university. I was all gung-ho at first, but again, every time I seriously looked into it I got really uneasy and would abandon the idea completely.

Finally - and this is important, so listen up - I asked God what He wanted me to do. I asked Him for guidance and told Him I was ready to follow whatever path He had for me, even if it meant staying in this town I've been trying to get out of for eight years. I prayed and prayed for a week solid, spending a lot of time alone with Him. Eventually I heard the message loud and clear: I need to take a year off of school. And you know what? As soon as I heard Him say that, I instantly felt so much better about everything. All the stress I'd been feeling went away. I knew it was the right decision then, and I know it's the right decision now.

I knew at the beginning of July that I would be taking a year off of school, but I didn't say anything right away because I knew I needed to wait a little bit longer and pray for courage. I knew I would be met with some negativity at first, which is exactly what happened. What I wasn't expecting was the continuing negativity, and the denial that everyone seems to be in. So now that you know why I made the decision I did, I'm going to put an end to whatever you think is going on in my life right now.

First, I am not taking a year off of school because of the car trouble I've had this summer, or the fact that I couldn't find a job, or because I'm afraid of going to Billings. I am taking a year off because I need to do so for my own mental health, and because God does not want me to go anywhere yet. At the end of the day, that is the ONLY reason that matters.

Second, whether it takes me a year or two or ten, I do fully intend to get my Bachelor's degree in English. It will happen at some point in my life, so don't worry! I'm not giving up on my education, and I certainly don't mean to be completely finished with it yet. Taking a year off is not the end of the world.

Third, regardless of what you think I've been doing all summer, I've not just been sitting around and doing nothing. I'm aware that most people don't understand this, but writing is my job. One day, it will be my full-time, paid job. It doesn't matter that I'm not published yet. Writing takes work. It's not just something that happens one day. In the absence of a 9 to 5 job this summer, I have been writing. I have been working, just behind closed doors. I'm sorry if you don't understand. And as far as all that goes, I will find some sort of paid work for the year. But you don't need to worry about what jobs will be available to me either now or later in the year. God told me to stay here; He will help me find work here, too. I'm putting the matter into His hands. Why stress about something that's already taken care of? He will provide.

Finally, I am an adult. I am a 20-year-old woman. I don't know everything, but I do know how to be responsible for my own life, and I'm learning about those things I don't know how to do. From one adult to another, please stop telling me I'm making the wrong choice. Please stop telling me how to live my life. I do value your opinions and feedback, but I don't need consistent negativity. I've got this, guys! I know what I'm doing. Don't worry.

That being said, I hope that now that you know the full story we can all just accept the change and move on. I'm excited about taking a year off of school! I wasn't expecting to be in town this fall, so I'm curious to see what kinds of things will happen while I stay put for a while. I want to know what God has in store for me here. I'm excited to see where He plans to take me now and in the future. It's going to be an adventure!

Thank you for taking the time to read this.