I feel like this post has been a long time coming. I've just not really wanted to face it head-on or risk receiving criticism and negativity like I did when I told everyone I was taking a break from school. But the longer I keep this in the more lost and hopeless I feel, and I refuse to let my previous relationship ruin all future relationships for me. So...here we go.
Most everyone who knows me knows that from October 2014 to about February of this year I kept having this on-again, off-again relationship with a guy I met on my college campus. We met solely because I happened to be wearing a Sonic shirt that day. He probably never would have given me the light of day otherwise.
I'm not going to go into all the details of what happened after that here. Suffice it to say we hit it off right away, but afterwards things got really bumpy. I'll get straight to the point.
On the outside this guy was everything I could have hoped for, and my parents really liked him. I believe they probably still do. But over the course of the two and a half years I knew him, I began to see who he really was behind closed doors and no matter how hard I tried for the sake of my parents and my church, I just couldn't bring myself to keep at it. There were just too many things about him that didn't line up with what I believe, and weren't what I was looking for in a future provider and father. Despite his perfect exterior when around my parents and the general public, he was not the best to be with in private settings. I think I knew that for a long time, but I didn't really do anything about it until earlier this year.
In January of this year the two of us officially came forward in the church as a courting couple. Courting, not dating. If you want to know the difference go look it up. Educate yourself. I think officially we broke up for the last time in early March, but I knew about a month earlier that I just could not continue to try and see this man anymore. I know my parents were happy about our making it official after two years of on-again, off-again-ness, and that they were bummed when I told them we'd broken up that last time. But in the long run I strongly believe it was the best decision.
The reason I'm giving you this backstory is so you'll have a better understanding of why when I say that despite the fact that he moved out of state in May (finally), this man has completely changed the game when it comes to my personal desire to experience romance and get married one day. He sexually harassed me over and over again, and it has made me less trusting of other guys and of myself.
(Note: Nothing sexual ever truly happened between us, for which I thank the Lord to this day. The harassment always came in the form of unwanted advances, uncomfortable conversation topics that alluded to sex, etc. It was harassment because I repeatedly asked him to stop, but he would only become upset or even angry and blatantly refuse to heed my wishes.)
Because I had encounters like this almost every time I saw him - especially in those last several months - while I look at men my age today with mild interest every now and then, I also have doubts ringing in the back of my mind, saying, "What if he ___?" or "I bet he's into ___, and I'm not." I've even caught myself saying, "You are going to die alone" to my reflection in the mirror. And you know what? I'm sick of it.
One failed relationship does not define whether or not I will have successful ones in the future. Everyone makes mistakes. It happens. We just have to learn from them and move on. I had a bad experience with a boy in high school. I had a really bad experience with a boy in college. But you know what? I've grown from both of those experiences. And I don't want what happened with my ex to have a lasting impression on me and how I perceive other men my age. Or even in general.
Not every man I meet is going to disrespect me like my ex did. Not every man is going to be seemingly picture-perfect, either. And that's okay.
I think the biggest thing that bothers me about this whole ordeal is the fact that my parents still really like the guy I was with. But they don't know about the harassment, and honestly, I doubt they'd believe me if I told them. Especially since I won't tell them exactly how it all went down. Despite what he did to me, I'm not going to openly expose certain things that he shared with me. It would be disrespectful to him, and that's not how I roll. To my parents he was the picture of a good, Christ-following man, and they probably think I missed out. But I know that they won't keep referring to my ex if and when I openly show interest in someone else, no matter how much my mind may tell me otherwise.
And yes, part of the reason I'm writing this all out is because I do have an interest in someone else now. There's a young man in my church whom I've noticed recently, and despite not knowing anything about him (even his name) I would really like to get to know him. He sits on the same side of the sanctuary that I do; we've even shaken hands during the greeting time once. He always comes in alone and sits alone, but he's friendly and isn't shy about going to greet others when the time comes even though at first (I'm assuming) he didn't know anyone. I've watched him pray before every service and get into the worship time. He focuses on the sermon intently; I don't think I've seen him leave the sanctuary during a sermon, ever. All of these things made him stand out to me, and while I can only assume that he's around my age (I'm guessing a couple of years older), I'd like to at least learn his name soon.
I like this guy. And I'd really like it if I didn't feel like I had to hide the fact that I like him for no legitimate reason.
I've been through a lot in the last few years when it comes to boys, and I've walked way often feeling hurt or betrayed or even scarred. And while I do have my doubts and anxieties when it comes to the thought of any future relationships, my hope is that I'll be able to push past them and be able to find happiness with someone in the future. That I'll be able to fall in love again, and have them love me in return. I imagine it will be a beautiful thing.
As a Christ-following woman I have different standards than most when it comes to guys, but I'm not like a lot of women out there who have these ridiculous lists of qualities they require their partners to have. My number one requirement is that he be a truly dedicated Christ-following man; not someone who puts on a show just to convince others. All other qualities or aspects that I tend to prefer in guys are negotiable. In the long run it really doesn't matter if he wears glasses or is taller than me or isn't overly gushy when it comes to romance. In the end what I'm truly looking for is someone who will be a good husband, provider, and father for my children. I don't just want a "bubblegum boy." I want a real, mature man of God.
That being said, I believe I've reached the end of this post and said all I really wanted to say. This is what I've been dealing with recently, but I'm tired of just "dealing." I want to start healing. I'm going to attempt to put myself out there again and maybe learn the name of this guy I've had my eyes on for about a month now. I refuse to let my doubt and fear get the better of me. Starting today, I'm not just telling God about my mountains. I'm telling my mountains about my God.
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